


The Tubbie Files

by Cheriluvs10



Category: Teletubbies (TV), The X-Files
Genre: Crack, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 12:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11127282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cheriluvs10/pseuds/Cheriluvs10
Summary: Mulder and Scully encounter the Teletubbies.





	The Tubbie Files

"Scully, Hurry up! It's this way!" Mulder cried out to  
Scully who was fighting to keep up. "We need to get  
you some roller blades or something so you can keep up  
with me on those little legs of yours."

"I could keep up if maybe you would slow down." Scully  
said, panting." Besides Mulder, the sun hasn't come up  
yet and I'm afraid I'll trip and fall on my ass."

"Can't slow down and use your flashlight, Scully.  
There are aliens to check out." Mulder said,  
increasing his stride.

"There's always aliens to check out with you, Mulder."  
Scully muttered to herself.

They passed through a wooded area and onto a lush  
green field. Mulder paused and took in the hills as  
Scully finally caught up to him.

"Hmmmm, we better be careful, Scully. Aliens could  
hide behind any one of these hills." He said pointing.

"The only thing I see on the hills are rabbits,  
Mulder." Scully said, as she stared at them sleeping,  
peacefully.

"And a lot of them, too!" Mulder mused, as they walked  
out further onto the field.

As they climbed one of the tallest hills, Mulder  
stopped Scully as he noticed a huge dark hole in the  
center of it. Mulder and Scully stared at it in  
confusion.

"That doesn't look like any hole that a rabbit would  
make, Mulder." Scully said.

Mulder nodded.

"I agree. The sun is coming up now though, so maybe  
we'll be able to get a better look inside." He said.

Mulder and Scully continued to examine the hole as the  
sky became lighter around them. 

"Maybe we should go down and investigate?" 

Scully snorted.

"You first, Mulder." She said, dryly.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!"

Mulder and Scully jumped in terror as a loud voice  
thundered across the field.

"What the Hell was that?" Scully asked.

"HOLY SHIT!" 

Scully stared at Mulder who was now facing East. She  
turned and her eyes widened. She rubbed them again as  
she noticed the sun now had a huge baby's head in the  
middle of it.

Scully stared at Mulder.

"That can't be what it looks like." She said to him.

"Um, looks like a gigantic infant's head to me,  
Scully." Mulder said.

"Well, where did it come from?" Scully yelled.

"How the Hell should I know?" Mulder said. "Why don't  
you ask it and find out?"

"It's a baby, Mulder. Judging from it's age, I doubt  
if it can talk yet."

"Well, do you have any better ideas?" Mulder said.

"Um, Hi...baby. We're Mulder and Scully. How are you?"  
Scully said, feeling like an idiot.

"Gaaaaaaaaaaaaah, Goo Goo." The baby said, laughing.

"Okay, why are we seeing a baby in the sun?" Scully  
said, as the baby stared at them wide eyed.

"Um...chemicals?" Mulder suggested.

"Chemicals? From where?"

"Um, from our frosted flakes. It's a government  
conspiracy. They are lacing frosted flakes with LSD  
and monitoring human reactions to it."

"Mulder, I don't eat frosted flakes. That's you."

"Well, whatever tofu type junk you eat. They probably  
laced it with something." Mulder said, exasperated.

Scully rolled her eyes. Suddenly, they saw a little  
speaker rise up out of the ground at the base of the  
hill. Mulder pointed at it.

"See, it's LSD and mind control. That's why we're  
seeing the baby in the sun! Now they are going to use  
this speaker and control our minds" he said.

"Time for Tubby Wake-up!, Time for Tubby Wake-up!" a  
high pitched voice in the speaker boomed out.

Scully looked at Mulder.

"That's the mind control message, Mulder?" She said.  
"Geez, it's pretty pathetic, if you ask me."

Suddenly, Mulder and Scully yelled out as they felt  
someone leap out of the hole behind them. They tumbled  
down the hill and landed at the bottom on their backs.  
The baby looked at them and laughed.

"Aw, shut up. You damn baby." Mulder muttered.

He looked over at a fat, purple, creature with a tan  
face, a triangle shaped antenna, and a red purse.

"TINKY WINKY!" It screamed out.

"Uh huh." Mulder said to himself.

Mulder and Scully jumped as a slightly shorter green  
creature with a dark tan face and a straight antenna  
landed next to the purple one.

"DIPSY!" it screamed out.

Next, a slightly shorter yellow creature with a  
lighter tan face and a curly cue antenna landed beside  
the green one

"LAA LAA!" It screamed

Finally, a very short red creature with a very light  
tan face and antenna with a circle in it landed next  
to the yellow one.

"PO!" it said.

Scully looked at Mulder.

"I think we found your aliens, Mulder.

Mulder cleared his throat and walked towards the four  
creatures trying to ignore the drooling baby face in  
the sky.

"Hello! Welcome to Earth. I am Mulder. I come in  
peace. What are your demands?" he said loudly and  
slowly.

Tinky Winky stared at him and then looked at the  
others.

"DANCE!" he screamed

"DANCE, DANCE, DANCE!" the others yelled in unison.

As they all began to hop around and spin. Mulder went  
back to Scully and stared at them.

"What do you think they are doing, Mulder?" Scully  
asked.

"Not sure. Maybe it's how they welcome strangers on  
their planet." Mulder said. "Like a ritualized form of  
greeting."

Scully stared at Tinky Winky.

"Why is that big alien carrying a red purse, Mulder?"  
she said, pointing to him.

Mulder shrugged.

"Maybe he is the keeper of the archives on his planet  
and all their planet's history is in that bag." He  
said.

As they finished the dance, Tinky Winky laughed.

"AGAIN, AGAIN!" he yelled out.

"AGAIN, AGAIN!" the others chanted.

Mulder and Scully watched as the aliens began to do  
the exact same dance again. Scully looked at Mulder.

"Maybe the dance is so sacred to them, they must  
perform it more than once." He said, shrugging.

He glanced up at the baby who was now watching the  
aliens, enraptured.

"God, that thing gives me the creeps." He said.

"How long do you think these hallucinations will  
last?"

"Got me, Scully. I hope not too much longer. I really  
don't want to walk around all day with a giant baby  
staring down at me."

Finally the aliens finished their dance, Mulder took  
the opportunity to approach them again. 

"Say, uh, about your coming here to our planet."

"TINKY WINKY!"

Mulder sighed.

"Yes, you've already told me that..."

"DIPSY!"

"LAA LAA!"

"PO!"

Mulder nodded. 

"Yes, I know your names, okay. I want to ask what your  
mission is here. I..."

He stared as a small white screen on Tinky Winky's  
belly suddenly flickered to life. All of the aliens  
laughed and ran over to watch. Scully came up behind  
Mulder and they bent down to as an image of a little  
child playing with a doll came on.

"Oh my God, Scully. This must be data they've  
collected already." He said.

They stared at the little girl who was no more than  
two or three years old. She was kissing her doll and  
dressing her in a pink dress. Then she reached into a  
truck and pulled out a long dress and hat and put it  
on herself. As the hat slid down over her forehead,  
she laughed. Mulder looked at the aliens who were  
laughing at this. Mulder looked up at them.

"Can you get any porn on this thing?"

 

Suddenly, he felt Scully jab him in the side.

"What?"

"Would you quit thinking with your dick for a moment,  
Mulder? What if this is an abductee? What if they  
kidnapped this little girl and they are performing  
experiments on her. Maybe they are showing you this  
video so that we might negotiate her release?

Mulder blinked.

"Oh, um...yeah, right. Sorry." He said, sheepishly. "Um,  
do you have this little girl on your spaceship?" he  
said, pointing to Tinky Winky's belly.

Suddenly the image disappeared leaving behind the  
white rectangle. The aliens all jumped up and down.

"AGAIN! AGAIN!" they screamed.

The rectangle flickered and the little video of the  
girl began again. Mulder looked up at Tinky Winky who  
was staring at the girl.

"What do you want from us?" he yelled at Tinky Winky.  
"What do you want in exchange for the girl?"

Mulder looked back at Scully as the aliens continued  
watching the little movie and paying no attention.  
Scully shrugged.

"Don't ask me, Mulder. Maybe they don't understand  
what you want them to do?"

Mulder looked back at Tinky Winky.

"I want you to release the girl. If you do, you can  
leave this planet safely. Got that?"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

"Oh shut up! I wasn't talking to you." Mulder said,  
yelling at the baby.

Finally, the movie ended again and the aliens danced  
around.

"Please release the girl!" Mulder said, growing more  
frustrated by the moment.

"TIME FOR TUBBY CUSTARD!, TIME FOR TUBBY CUSTARD!" the  
voice in the speaker boomed out.

"Time for Tubby what?" Mulder said, as the aliens  
hurried past him. Mulder and Scully followed them and  
noticed on the other side of the hill. There was a  
little door. Mulder and Scully looked at each other as  
the aliens opened the door and went inside.

"OH GOD!" Mulder yelled out.

"What, Mulder?"

Mulder pointed at a white splotch on his shoe.

"One of those damn rabbits just shit on me." He said.

As they squeezed inside the door, Mulder looked back  
at Scully who was snickering.

"It's not funny, Scully." He said.

Scully locked her jaw trying not to let the giggles  
come out as they went inside the house. Suddenly, they  
yelled as a blue vacuum cleaner with eyes and a long  
hose glided over to them.

"Um, hi." Mulder said, reaching out his hand. "I'm  
Muld..."

He screamed as the vacuum cleaner sucked his hand into  
the hose.

"Hey! Give me back my hand, you fucking machine!"  
Mulder yelled as he tried to pull his hand away. As he  
continued to struggle and Scully continued to giggle,  
Tinky Winky came over carrying a pink bowl filled with  
a pudding like substance. He stood eating and watching  
as Mulder beat the top of the vacuum trying to free  
himself.

"Goddamn it! Let go before I disassemble your ass!" he  
screamed.

Tinky Winky laughed and pointed at the vacuum.

"NOO NOO! NOO NOO FUNNY!"

"Noo Noo's gonna think he's funny when he finds his  
insides pulled out and spread all over the floor."  
Mulder screamed.

He looked over at Scully.

"Are you gonna help me? Or are you gonna stand there  
and just laugh."

"I'm gonna stand here and just laugh." Scully said,  
giggling.

"Gee, thanks Scully. You're a real partner." Mulder  
said, sarcastically.

Mulder put his foot on the front of Noo Noo and kicked  
as hard as he could. Noo Noo sailed backwards and  
crashed into the back of the house as Mulder rubbed  
his hand.

"Take that, you demonic hunk o' junk" he said.

Suddenly Noo Noo let out a roar and charged Mulder.  
Mulder screamed and in his panic turned and smacked  
his head against the domed house. As Scully bent over  
laughing, Mulder scrambled out of the house as Noo Noo  
followed.

"Dammit Scully, it's not funny!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH"

"SHUT UP, YOU SATANIC BABY! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

Scully climbed the top of the hill and laughed as  
Mulder ran around the field kicking rabbits out of the  
way as Noo Noo continued to pursue him. 

"HELP MEEEEEEEE, SCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" 

Scully began to climb down off the hill towards Mulder  
as the aliens walked around to the front and watched  
him. They laughed as Scully ran after Noo Noo trying  
to tackle the machine.

"AGAIN, AGAIN!" the aliens screamed in delight as the  
baby roared with laughter.

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE KID! I JUST WANNA GET THE FUCK  
OUTTA HERE!" Mulder screamed.

Suddenly the speaker called out.

"TIME FOR TUBBIE BYE BYE!, TIME FOR TUBBIE BYE BYE!'  
it said.

Immediately, Noo Noo stopped his pursuit and sped back  
to the house as Mulder dropped to the ground panting  
and puffing. 

"I want to go home!" he gasped.

"BYE BYE!" the tubbies all cried out as the baby sank  
lower in the sky.

"BYE! you demonic little shits, now you and that damn  
hallucination go away and leave me alone so I can get  
some therapy now." Mulder said.

Scully watched as the tubbies leaped up into the air  
and back down through the hole. She turned and watched  
as the baby paused for a moment to giggle before  
disappearing completely beyond the horizon.

"Scully. We are not going to tell Skinner or anyone  
else about this. We are going to forget it ever  
happened. Got me?" Mulder said.

"Sure, Mulder. But what about that little girl?"

Mulder's eyes widened in fear.

"Leave the little girl. Let her make her out of there  
on her own. She's probably been driven insane by now  
anyway."

Scully nodded.

"Okay, Mulder. If you say so"

She stood up and began to walk towards the woods. She  
turned and looked back as Mulder let out a scream. She  
giggled as she saw a rabbit sitting on Mulder's face.

"Damn these Rabbits!!!!!!!!!"

THE END


End file.
